Monday Musings

The stress of this semester is slowly but surely beginning to dig away at my resolve. I've taken on a lot of responsibility this term and the coursework is more challenging in new ways. I'm really tired but not in a sleepy kind of way. I feel behind, pressed for time, guilty because my dog is being neglected (even though she's really living a good life!), and I just want my sanity back.

Most of my classmates are loving junior surgery lab but I see it as something that is eating up so much of my days. There is so much involved outside of class time between rounds, patient care, and paperwork. This is so silly because I know that this is what the rest of my life is going to be, but somehow it seems more strenuous because grades are involved. Not only for the class but also for all of my other classes that I'm responsible for. I'm weird and I actually enjoy filling out the paperwork (I think it has to do with my neat and orderly tendencies) I just hate feeling like it's taking away from something else.

I'm trying so hard to focus on the long term goals. Clinics, graduation, internship, residency. That's what I'm here for, I know that's what I want. It's a really long road ahead and I'm not sure how all the puzzle pieces are going to fall into place. There's so much I want from life and yet the time and resources seem so finite. I don't know. And I think that's what's so hard for me. I'm a planner. I make lists and write out the fine print and am super detail oriented. I like details and order. I like routine and things that are comfortable, and I have a lot of unknowns and variables to juggle at this point.

I wish I could say that I believed myself when I say stuff like tomorrow I'll wake up and feel better about everything, but I think this is going to be an internal struggle that goes on for awhile, I just need to accept it and let it be. I know it will all work out in the end because I live my life in search of happiness.