Five Months

Is it crazy and selfish that I still miss her furry little face? I love the precious beast asleep at my feet, but the sadness and despair I still feel over Lucy's loss can be so incredibly deep.

I took my last midterm of veterinary school this morning. I couldn't help feeling rather anxious as I left this morning. I made Sampson promise he would behave as I left this morning and prayed that of all times, he would be a good little puppy in my absence. He didn't disappoint, and he was waiting at the door for me when I got home. One of these days perhaps I will stop reliving the nightmare over and over again.

Learning to Swim

Admittedly, I don't remember very much from my childhood. It's mostly a black hole replaced by facts from the last 2.5 years. Veterinary school has a way of doing that to a person's brain! Somewhere along the way when I was little, my parents did what many parents do for small children - they sign them up for swimming lessons. I don't remember this part, but I don't reckon I was much of a fan considering that I do remember just how little I cared for water that was either too deep to stand in or water I couldn't use a SCUBA mask in. I have no idea what led me to dislike water on my face so much, but it developed into a real, all consuming, paralyzing fear of getting water in my eyes.

You might remember reading about the first time I got in the pool for a SCUBA lesson. I had just finished having 5 midterm exams in a row, stayed up super late to finish watching the videos and reading the chapters, and then got up extra early to go start on our learning (after having little sleep the previous week!). The 5 of us showed up diligently to meet our new instructor, Christine, and she graciously put up with my grumpy morning attitude. I'm sure she did not think very kindly of my cross personality that day! We completed some quizzes, reviewed the book, and collected our gear. I'm pretty certain I remember complaining about how heavy everything was. And then again when we were in the water. I didn't particularly trust or care for the feeling of breathing underwater. we started with some simple skills, but the second we moved on to mask clearing skills, it was game over. I panicked and struggled through those sessions. It was absolute torture to feel so terrified of letting something so innocuous near my eyes. Not being able to see, the burning of the eyeballs reacting to the salt and chlorine. Pain combined with total blackness. I did persevere through those few skills, but I didn't enjoy them and never really felt confident or safe about my fears.

I vowed several times to at least get comfortable with letting the water touch my face, but when fear and aversion are really that strong to something, it's extremely difficult to override those feelings. Eventually I stopped spending the whole dive worrying about someone kicking my face and learned to get on with it, but even as I neared 100 dives, it was still something that made me extremely nervous. I had a couple of experiences this spring where I rolled in the water and had my mask strap either start to slide off or come completely off. None of those times actually went as far as to leaking, but it still became a little source of anxiety when I was getting in (that and getting smacked in the head with a tank from someone falling on top of you - that will make you more aware of who is where!).

When my friend and I first started talking about doing our divemaster courses last fall, I did my research. After all, I am nothing if not thorough and well prepared! I knew I was going to have to demonstrate mask off skills and swims at some point if I committed to the DM program. Over winter break, I looked even more thoroughly into what all that entailed and found (much to my dismay) that that included a partial mask flood and clear, a full mask flood and clear, a mask removal/replace and clear, a maskless swim, AND a 400m no gear swim. No gear meaning no wetsuit, no fins, no snorkel, and worst of all, no mask of any kind. Yikes. Perhaps I thought I could cheat or get away with these bits some how, because it didn't deter me. Actually, a small part of me was hoping I could just fail those skills and get on with the rest of it haha. I'm sure it was a sigh of relief on Christie's part when she mentioned all that would have to occur and my response was an impish "I know" rather than a full fledged meltdown. Like I said, I am nothing if not thorough and prepared! Doesn't mean I have to like it!

Christie has been on me lately about practicing my mask skills during dives. The only way I was ever going to start doing that though, was if someone started holding me accountable (because I certainly wasn't going to!). Unluckily for me, she was all over holding me accountable, and I began flooding my mask over and over. At first I had to remember to breathe, and then I had to remember to not hyperventilate. If we're picking sides though, the latter is more practical underwater when you need to use air to push water away from your face! I got pretty good at it (but not at liking it) over a couple of weeks time. Last Monday, Marlon took me to the pool to practice my skill circuit. Without batting an eye, he told me to get underwater and remove/replace the mask. Wait, what?? But...I've only just sort of started to get the hang of filling it! I'm not ready for that yet...Yep, not much of a choice given unfortunately! I sputtered through that bit and my feedback was that I needed to make it look easier and more enjoyable. HAH. I told him he ought to just be happy I wasn't crying! He didn't seem super impressed by that (but he never had the pleasure of witnessing a full meltdown). Much to my chagrin, he also made me do a maskless swim. Also not terribly fun and exciting. I had him take a video of that bit and another mask removal (in part so that I could show Christie that I had done it without completely losing it and in part because I wanted to see just how awful it was) - I look pretty darn miserable!!

Yesterday, I went to the pool by myself to practice some of the skills I had some difficulty with. I didn't really mean to stay as long as I did, but somehow 124 minutes elapsed before I was too cold to move and calling it quits for the day! I did some solid work on a few of my trickier skills, and figured out how to take videos so that I could critique my movements. I save my most favorite skill for last, starting at 85 minutes. I only intended to stay to 100 minutes, but I ended up getting a tad bit carried away! I started with some floods, and then moved onto removals. One of the harder parts of that for me was breathing smoothly and evenly. I started out by just sitting there for 3-5 minutes with it off, telling myself to breathe in and out. After several rounds of this, I got a little brazen. I wondered what it would be like to open my eyes underwater, after all, I had been sitting there with the water so close to them for a long time and it didn't hurt...

I have never opened my eyes in water before. Ever. I was completely unprepared for how it would look and feel (or rather, not feel!). I guess I had never taken into account that the part that hurts when you get water in your eyes, is actually the little fleshy bits of socket and not actually your eye and cornea themselves, and once that part is used to the water (as it inevitably gets when you have water touching that closely), it won't actually feel like anything to open your eyelids. I couldn't believe how blurry everything was! Fuzzy shapes and colors rather than sharp, crisp lines. I was so shocked at what I was doing, I really thought I might start crying just out of pure shock. I never imagined I could do that. I played around for a bit longer, took some pictures and made a few videos, and then took my cold, shivering, numb self out of the water and out to dry! The first person I wanted to show was Christie. She has been an amazing mentor, friend, and inspiration for nearly a year now, and since I'm ever a puppy wanting to please, I wanted to share my accomplishment with her. One step closer to becoming a divemaster. One step closer to passing pool skills. One step closer to swimming 400m blindly (because although I can confidently swim 400m, I was pretty darn certain that this swim was going to be my end and that I would either just flat out down or require some serious rescuing). one step closer to being free from a fear that has held me back for my entire life.

It all felt surreal last night. If I hadn't taken evidence on my camera, I definitely wouldn't have believed it happened. Even so, it still seemed like it must have been a dream, because I couldn't possibly be sticking my face in a pool willingly, opening my eyes, and being silly about it! No way! This morning I woke up early and headed to the dive shop to think about if I was going to be able to repeat my performance, how I was going to maybe do it, and how that would translate to being in the ocean. Pool water is one thing, salt water is a whole other burning beast! I had always felt like the only way I could add water to my mask was with a SCUBA unit on. Breathing seemed to be such a big key to all of it. I really just wanted to go and sit 5 ft under on Grand Anse and work it all out, but there wasn't any time for that this morning. Instead, I psyched myself up for a little swim. 81 degrees feels reallllllly cold at 8:30a! I really wanted to just dive right in, but anxiety held me back and I decided to just start at step one. Plunk under with a mask on and flood it. Except that flood turned into a ripping off my face! Cold, salty water rushing around my face, me reminding myself to exhale. Popping to the surface, pinching my nose, and doing it again. And again! Later today I jumped off the boat into the water for the first time ever. I've been really envious of all who can do that without worry for some time now, and it was on the short list of things to do if I could ever get a hold of myself. I've never jumped into water before, at least not into water where I knew I could catch myself and stand in time. I was really nervous but excited, so one of the other divers grabbed my hand and said "let's do it"! A loud squeal and a big splash later, in I went! I repeated this later by myself too, opened my eyes in the ocean briefly a few times, and jumped into the deep end of a pool twice. Crazy!!!

On April 5, 2013, I wrote the following excerpt in my blog:
"The last thing I have to say is just a tad more about the mask removal. My instructor kept asking me if I was really proud, but that felt like a strange thing and I just kind of shrugged because, no, proud wasn't really the emotion I feel about the whole ordeal. Yes I did manage to complete all of the mask skills and no I didn't like them, but it's more than that. I don't really feel like I've "mastered" a skill and thus there is no pride associated with it. Am I proud I completed the course? Absolutely, but I am not really proud that I managed to rip the mask off my face and replace it without killing myself. The thing is, if I had to do it again tomorrow, I would have the same feelings about it and would react the same way. That's not really mastery, and this is kind of an important thing to do. Panicking underwater is bad no matter what the circumstance is. I don't want to drown, but I definitely worry that if I knocked the mask around or off on a dive that I might do something very foolish. It's a skill I need to work on, more important than most of the other things we learned in my opinion (or at least for me). I will be proud the day that I can take it off underwater without becoming completely overwhelmed with panic. I don't have to like it - because let's face it, I doubt I ever will, but I definitely want to be a bit more comfortable with it. "
Nearly a year later, I can finally say I'm proud. Never did I imagine that I would feel this way. I feel so free, so liberated from a fear that has held me hostage for 24 years. I am not going to drown, I am not going to flee to the surface like an idiot, I am not going to do something very foolish. If my mask fell off, I would certainly be very surprised and startled, but I wouldn't be an immediate danger to myself. I am free to enjoy the ocean and pools, and lakes without that little nagging voice in the back of my head. I am free to enjoy water without feeling so afraid. I have master such a simple, yet life changing skill. Everything feels new and different, changed for the better. Today I can take my mask off and stare at you underwater. I can do it without panic, and I can do it with a smile on my face. It's not that I suddenly love have water in my eyes (because I don't, and I really don't like how distorted my vision is!), it's that I feel unburdened by an anxiety that has held me captive all of my life. I am seeing the world in a way that most people experience as young children. Maybe a future in the water really can exist for me. Just maybe, and all because one instructor with a trustworthy face and attitude decided not to give up on a stubborn and silly student. Thank you Christine, from the bottom of my heart, for introducing me to many new worlds. You introduced me not only to the world of reefs and conservation, but also to a completely foreign and pleasant concept of water. My life is now forever changed because you put up with my grouchiness at the beginning, pushed me to work through my fears, and supported me every single moment along the way. Today, I finally feel proud.:)
 http://www.ecodiveandtrek.com/
Dives One and Two 
Dives Three and Four 

100

It's been just under a year now since I started diving. I definitely wasn't thrilled at first, but I'm glad I stuck with it and finished my open water certification, because my interest started to raise from there. This morning I completed my 100th dive! Definitely an achievement worth celebrating! To date, I've completed the open water, advanced open water, rescue, and enriched air courses, and am currently working on the deep and wreck courses along with my divemaster certification. All of this on top of being a full time student, club president, and doggy mom! I'm pretty busy as you can imagine, but I wouldn't have it any other way! I am so incredibly lucky and blessed to have all of the wonderful and amazing opportunities and I have made a lot of friends and received a lot of incredible mentorship in the last 11 months! http://www.ecodiveandtrek.com/

Four Months

Posted by a classmate, ironically on the four month mark today. 

"I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said " it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me."

Author ~ unknown

Beginning My Divemaster Certification

Back last semester, one of my diving med school friends and I made a pact to work on and complete our divemaster certifications together. We both love to dive, and we both want to take diving to the next level. She is much more of an extrovert than I am so personality-wise it took me a little bit longer to come to this conclusion, but I am excited never the less!

We picked up our crewpacks last week and I am already through 4 of the 9 chapters in the course book. I still have another 150 pages left to read and A LOT of work ahead of me, but I am making a good start! It's still a bit of a foreign concept to me, but I am trying my best to imitate all of the divemaster "behaviors" that my many mentors have. Perhaps one of these days I won't look quite so clumsy (both symbolically and literally - I seem to be getting clumsier each time I get on that boat rather than the other way around...).

I won't give away any of the juicy details of the course just yet since I haven't really started, but I think you will be highly amused to learn that one of the skills that has to become second nature happens to be the mask clear/removal skill and doing a 400m swim without anything. Yeah...not so sure how that's going to work out. This time around I don't really have a choice, but I failed pretty miserably at working on getting over this phobia back in April and then again in September. Hmm. Step one happens to be remembering to breathe when I touch my mask/starting thinking about putting water on my face. Why can't I just live happily ever after with a nice plate of glass between my eyes and the water?? I don't think my instructor/mentor really realizes how truly deep seeded this fear is. I have chills and an increased respiratory rate just sitting here thinking about it! Oy!

Seahorses!!!

I may or may not have ever mentioned my slight obsession with seahorses before. It's been a goal of mine to see one while diving here for quite a long time now. They are on the rarer side when it comes to critters, but they're not so rare that they are hardly ever seen here. My problem is that I'm usually just not on the boat. Darn school getting in the way of my seahorses!

This January, just days after I had returned to the island, I had the pleasure of not only seeing my first seahorse, but finding him myself!!! There was lots of squealing and dancing going on underwater. I was very excited - and I also got to put my new rattle to good use to call back the rest of the group because you had better believe I wasn't leaving my new friend behind! I was meandering along contemplating how it was possible that I could be cold in the Caribbean in a 7mm wetsuit, when BAM!! My eyes alerted me to something of interest. It took me a good minute to confirm and believe what I was seeing, because I was definitely in a bit of shock! Next up was picture taking - had to have photographic proof of my finding! As it turns out, a seahorse has never been spotted in that location! I was so very pleased with my find, they are just beautiful and amazing creatures!

There also happens to be a pair of seahorses at one of the local wrecks currently. The male is massively pregnant, and they have been seen hanging out together and apart on the corals next to the wreck. I have seen them twice at night and five times during the day. It never gets old, it never gets less special! I could sit there and bask in their presence forever. I've sort of taken to doing that more or less when we end up at that site. Much to our amusement, we are apparently the only dive shop that knows their actual location so they've had customers from other shops come by and do a dive just to go see them! I am pleased to know my little friends are helping out my bigger friends!

I am going to be a very sad individual the day that I go back and they are gone because they have moved on, but until then, I shall take every dive I can get to go and visit them! They are so graceful and gentle in all their movements. They hold onto the corals with their tails and sway with the current or duck their heads to hide out of the way. Who wouldn't love such an amazing animal?! Yes, I am well aware that 8 seahorse visits in 3 weeks/<30 dives probably qualifies me as majorly obsessed, but hey, it certainly could be worse, right?

Back to School...Three Weeks Ago!

Eeek! It has been such a long time since I posted! Oopsies! Time is absolutely flying by these days at school. It's wonderful and awful all at the same time. On one hand, I'm tired of school and studying and all that jazz, but yet I am going to really miss this gorgeous country and all the SCUBA diving here! I simply don't know what I'm going to do with myself come May!

I came back nearly a week early to enjoy Grenada and ended up spending it all either diving or taking care of new student commitments for SVECCS and VCA. Not a bad way to spend your winter break! The spring temperatures and humidity levels are amazing. It is just gorgeous outside (unless it's rained in the last five minutes, and then the humidity is absurdly oppressive). At night it's almost chilly out with the sun gone and the gentle breeze blowing, I love it! Sampson is adjusting well to the climate too. He get's hot if he goes out to run, but other than that he's enjoying his days as a Caribbean dog. He enjoys going for walks on the beach but he HATES the water. He is completely terrified of it. It's pretty funny!

School is back in full swing and often busier than ever! My life is currently full of morning classes, afternoon rotations, and evening meetings. We only have 4 "real" classes this term, but unfortunately the scheduling people weren't feeling terribly kind when they made it so we have a lot of 2-3 hour blocks of the same class. Shoot me. We're also stuck in this awful, tiny little classroom due to some administrative disagreements and errors. I could go on and on forever about how I feel about this, but I will spare you. Just know that I don't think it's a coincidence that I had a migraine on Friday for the first time in over a year since I moved from a poorly managed climate to a more regular and clean environment (my dorm was full of mold due to AC issues whereas my apartment is not - they used to keep our old classroom at -10F at all times so no mold grew in that whereas this new classroom has a long history of being poorly controlled climate and insect-wise).

We are about to start week three of our clinical rotations. I started with ER medicine during week 2 and moved into clinical pathology last week. Next up is pathology, which happens to probably be my least favorite subject in veterinary school. Right behind large animal surgery and theriogenology of course. Some rotations are more time demanding than others. Right now we have a lot of little assignments, quizzes, and presentations to do for these classes. Not very exciting if you ask me. My two ER shifts were pretty busy but nothing we couldn't manage. Clinical pathology was a nice change of pace last week and I enjoy dealing with blood work and clinical samples. I have no enthusiasm for being in the necropsy suite coming up. Ew. The other clinical rotations I have yet to complete include ambulatory medicine (where we go out to various Grenada farms and provide preventative health care to people's farm animals), small animal medicine, and small animal surgery and anesthesia. These three will all be on the more time consuming side of life as they all have a reputation for going late in the afternoon and carry fun presentation assignments.

I have of course been doing lots of diving so far this term. So far I've logged more than 20 dives since arriving back (I'm almost at 100 dives total!) and have been diligently working on a wreck specialty class and a deep specialty class. I also very recently started my divemaster certification, but more on that later. The diving weather has been lovely and I have enjoyed seeing some new critters this year! Very, very exciting! Of course as always still diving with my dear friends at Eco Dive and Trek (http://www.ecodiveandtrek.com/).

I promise to get back into blogging more regularly - I just needed to start back up again!