Admittedly, I don't remember very much from my childhood. It's mostly a black hole replaced by facts from the last 2.5 years. Veterinary school has a way of doing that to a person's brain! Somewhere along the way when I was little, my parents did what many parents do for small children - they sign them up for swimming lessons. I don't remember this part, but I don't reckon I was much of a fan considering that I do remember just how little I cared for water that was either too deep to stand in or water I couldn't use a SCUBA mask in. I have no idea what led me to dislike water on my face so much, but it developed into a real, all consuming, paralyzing fear of getting water in my eyes.
You might remember reading about the first time I got in the pool for a SCUBA lesson. I had just finished having 5 midterm exams in a row, stayed up super late to finish watching the videos and reading the chapters, and then got up extra early to go start on our learning (after having little sleep the previous week!). The 5 of us showed up diligently to meet our new instructor, Christine, and she graciously put up with my grumpy morning attitude. I'm sure she did not think very kindly of my cross personality that day! We completed some quizzes, reviewed the book, and collected our gear. I'm pretty certain I remember complaining about how heavy everything was. And then again when we were in the water. I didn't particularly trust or care for the feeling of breathing underwater. we started with some simple skills, but the second we moved on to mask clearing skills, it was game over. I panicked and struggled through those sessions. It was absolute torture to feel so terrified of letting something so innocuous near my eyes. Not being able to see, the burning of the eyeballs reacting to the salt and chlorine. Pain combined with total blackness. I did persevere through those few skills, but I didn't enjoy them and never really felt confident or safe about my fears.
I vowed several times to at least get comfortable with letting the water touch my face, but when fear and aversion are really that strong to something, it's extremely difficult to override those feelings. Eventually I stopped spending the whole dive worrying about someone kicking my face and learned to get on with it, but even as I neared 100 dives, it was still something that made me extremely nervous. I had a couple of experiences this spring where I rolled in the water and had my mask strap either start to slide off or come completely off. None of those times actually went as far as to leaking, but it still became a little source of anxiety when I was getting in (that and getting smacked in the head with a tank from someone falling on top of you - that will make you more aware of who is where!).
When my friend and I first started talking about doing our divemaster courses last fall, I did my research. After all, I am nothing if not thorough and well prepared! I knew I was going to have to demonstrate mask off skills and swims at some point if I committed to the DM program. Over winter break, I looked even more thoroughly into what all that entailed and found (much to my dismay) that that included a partial mask flood and clear, a full mask flood and clear, a mask removal/replace and clear, a maskless swim, AND a 400m no gear swim. No gear meaning no wetsuit, no fins, no snorkel, and worst of all, no mask of any kind. Yikes. Perhaps I thought I could cheat or get away with these bits some how, because it didn't deter me. Actually, a small part of me was hoping I could just fail those skills and get on with the rest of it haha. I'm sure it was a sigh of relief on Christie's part when she mentioned all that would have to occur and my response was an impish "I know" rather than a full fledged meltdown. Like I said, I am nothing if not thorough and prepared! Doesn't mean I have to like it!
Christie has been on me lately about practicing my mask skills during dives. The only way I was ever going to start doing that though, was if someone started holding me accountable (because I certainly wasn't going to!). Unluckily for me, she was all over holding me accountable, and I began flooding my mask over and over. At first I had to remember to breathe, and then I had to remember to not hyperventilate. If we're picking sides though, the latter is more practical underwater when you need to use air to push water away from your face! I got pretty good at it (but not at liking it) over a couple of weeks time. Last Monday, Marlon took me to the pool to practice my skill circuit. Without batting an eye, he told me to get underwater and remove/replace the mask. Wait, what?? But...I've only just sort of started to get the hang of filling it! I'm not ready for that yet...Yep, not much of a choice given unfortunately! I sputtered through that bit and my feedback was that I needed to make it look easier and more enjoyable. HAH. I told him he ought to just be happy I wasn't crying! He didn't seem super impressed by that (but he never had the pleasure of witnessing a full meltdown). Much to my chagrin, he also made me do a maskless swim. Also not terribly fun and exciting. I had him take a video of that bit and another mask removal (in part so that I could show Christie that I had done it without completely losing it and in part because I wanted to see just how awful it was) - I look pretty darn miserable!!
Yesterday, I went to the pool by myself to practice some of the skills I had some difficulty with. I didn't really mean to stay as long as I did, but somehow 124 minutes elapsed before I was too cold to move and calling it quits for the day! I did some solid work on a few of my trickier skills, and figured out how to take videos so that I could critique my movements. I save my most favorite skill for last, starting at 85 minutes. I only intended to stay to 100 minutes, but I ended up getting a tad bit carried away! I started with some floods, and then moved onto removals. One of the harder parts of that for me was breathing smoothly and evenly. I started out by just sitting there for 3-5 minutes with it off, telling myself to breathe in and out. After several rounds of this, I got a little brazen. I wondered what it would be like to open my eyes underwater, after all, I had been sitting there with the water so close to them for a long time and it didn't hurt...
I have never opened my eyes in water before. Ever. I was completely unprepared for how it would look and feel (or rather, not feel!). I guess I had never taken into account that the part that hurts when you get water in your eyes, is actually the little fleshy bits of socket and not actually your eye and cornea themselves, and once that part is used to the water (as it inevitably gets when you have water touching that closely), it won't actually feel like anything to open your eyelids. I couldn't believe how blurry everything was! Fuzzy shapes and colors rather than sharp, crisp lines. I was so shocked at what I was doing, I really thought I might start crying just out of pure shock. I never imagined I could do that. I played around for a bit longer, took some pictures and made a few videos, and then took my cold, shivering, numb self out of the water and out to dry! The first person I wanted to show was Christie. She has been an amazing mentor, friend, and inspiration for nearly a year now, and since I'm ever a puppy wanting to please, I wanted to share my accomplishment with her. One step closer to becoming a divemaster. One step closer to passing pool skills. One step closer to swimming 400m blindly (because although I can confidently swim 400m, I was pretty darn certain that this swim was going to be my end and that I would either just flat out down or require some serious rescuing). one step closer to being free from a fear that has held me back for my entire life.
It all felt surreal last night. If I hadn't taken evidence on my camera, I definitely wouldn't have believed it happened. Even so, it still seemed like it must have been a dream, because I couldn't possibly be sticking my face in a pool willingly, opening my eyes, and being silly about it! No way! This morning I woke up early and headed to the dive shop to think about if I was going to be able to repeat my performance, how I was going to maybe do it, and how that would translate to being in the ocean. Pool water is one thing, salt water is a whole other burning beast! I had always felt like the only way I could add water to my mask was with a SCUBA unit on. Breathing seemed to be such a big key to all of it. I really just wanted to go and sit 5 ft under on Grand Anse and work it all out, but there wasn't any time for that this morning. Instead, I psyched myself up for a little swim. 81 degrees feels reallllllly cold at 8:30a! I really wanted to just dive right in, but anxiety held me back and I decided to just start at step one. Plunk under with a mask on and flood it. Except that flood turned into a ripping off my face! Cold, salty water rushing around my face, me reminding myself to exhale. Popping to the surface, pinching my nose, and doing it again. And again! Later today I jumped off the boat into the water for the first time ever. I've been really envious of all who can do that without worry for some time now, and it was on the short list of things to do if I could ever get a hold of myself. I've never jumped into water before, at least not into water where I knew I could catch myself and stand in time. I was really nervous but excited, so one of the other divers grabbed my hand and said "let's do it"! A loud squeal and a big splash later, in I went! I repeated this later by myself too, opened my eyes in the ocean briefly a few times, and jumped into the deep end of a pool twice. Crazy!!!
On April 5, 2013, I wrote the following excerpt in my blog:
"The last thing I have to say is just a tad more about the mask removal. My instructor kept asking me if I was really proud, but that felt like a strange thing and I just kind of shrugged because, no, proud wasn't really the emotion I feel about the whole ordeal. Yes I did manage to complete all of the mask skills and no I didn't like them, but it's more than that. I don't really feel like I've "mastered" a skill and thus there is no pride associated with it. Am I proud I completed the course? Absolutely, but I am not really proud that I managed to rip the mask off my face and replace it without killing myself. The thing is, if I had to do it again tomorrow, I would have the same feelings about it and would react the same way. That's not really mastery, and this is kind of an important thing to do. Panicking underwater is bad no matter what the circumstance is. I don't want to drown, but I definitely worry that if I knocked the mask around or off on a dive that I might do something very foolish. It's a skill I need to work on, more important than most of the other things we learned in my opinion (or at least for me). I will be proud the day that I can take it off underwater without becoming completely overwhelmed with panic. I don't have to like it - because let's face it, I doubt I ever will, but I definitely want to be a bit more comfortable with it. "
Nearly a year later, I can finally say I'm proud. Never did I imagine that I would feel this way. I feel so free, so liberated from a fear that has held me hostage for 24 years. I am not going to drown, I am not going to flee to the surface like an idiot, I am not going to do something very foolish. If my mask fell off, I would certainly be very surprised and startled, but I wouldn't be an immediate danger to myself. I am free to enjoy the ocean and pools, and lakes without that little nagging voice in the back of my head. I am free to enjoy water without feeling so afraid. I have master such a simple, yet life changing skill. Everything feels new and different, changed for the better. Today I can take my mask off and stare at you underwater. I can do it without panic, and I can do it with a smile on my face. It's not that I suddenly love have water in my eyes (because I don't, and I really don't like how distorted my vision is!), it's that I feel unburdened by an anxiety that has held me captive all of my life. I am seeing the world in a way that most people experience as young children. Maybe a future in the water really can exist for me. Just maybe, and all because one instructor with a trustworthy face and attitude decided not to give up on a stubborn and silly student. Thank you Christine, from the bottom of my heart, for introducing me to many new worlds. You introduced me not only to the world of reefs and conservation, but also to a completely foreign and pleasant concept of water. My life is now forever changed because you put up with my grouchiness at the beginning, pushed me to work through my fears, and supported me every single moment along the way. Today, I finally feel proud.:)
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Dives One and Two
Dives Three and Four
