I Love Lucy

Well, it has officially been a year since I lost my Lucy dog. I wish I felt more at peace about the whole event, but honestly, I've spent a lot of time mourning her loss even in the most recent months. I have so many regrets and a lot of guilt to come to terms with still. I know they are unfounded, that there's nothing I could have done, but that doesn't seem to help. I can talk about her in snip-its and bits, but I relive every moment very vividly if I try to recount her story. It fills me with dread and panic. I know that some day I will be able to remember her fondly, and I look forward to that time. I still have a long way to go, as I can barely bear to look at her pictures without missing her terribly with the deepest of aches.

Last week NCSU had a pet memorial ceremony to honor all of the lives of the pets that clients and CVM people have lost. I wasn't planning on going, but at the last second I realized that it was unlikely to cause more harm than good, and so I went (and cried the entire time). It was a very nice and I think that maybe it did help just a little bit. They handed out bookmarks with little heart shaped papers with seeds embedded in them. Forget-me-nots. At the beginning of this week, I bought a pot and painted it so that I could plant them. I will post pictures when I have sprouts and flowers. Devastating to realize that the beautiful life of my beloved dog has been reduced to a small pot of flowers - that was hard. I look forward to seeing them grow though.

 

Welcome to Clinics

Wow, this post is a long time over due. I was reading through some of my very early Grenada entries earlier, my how things have changed in 3 years! It's crazy to think that 3 years ago now, I was planning and freaking out about the biggest decision of my life! Moving to a foreign country as a young adult is no easy task!

There is so much laughter and joy in many of my posts back then. It makes me a little bit sad to know that I don't necessarily feel that way these days. Don't get me wrong, I am a generally happy person, but there is a note of sadness in my heart that persists these days.

At any rate, I didn't come on here to rant, I cam to give you a clinics update!

On May 9, my class officially took our last final exam and completed our 3rd year of veterinary school!! It was tough to stay motivated through those exams, but with some diving mixed in to the studying, I managed to hold it all together. Saying "goodbye" is not a strength of mine, and I then proceeded to do lots of crying before (and after) leaving Grenada, but we had a lovely send-off slide show and dinner together as a class the evening exams ended. It's still strange to not be seeing all of these people I've spent 3 whole years with every day now.

I did lots of diving, hanging out with friends, hashing with Sampson, and even managed to get all of my packing complete in my last 4 days on the island. I finally finished my dive master internship with Eco Dive during this time, and logged a solid 150 dives total! To say I'm diving obsessed is an understatement. I miss having these people in my life and the ocean being in my backyard horribly! My friends and mentors at Eco Dive will probably never be able to fully understand just what kind of an impact they have made on my life, but I love them all very much and I am so very proud of all of their achievements. I really encourage you to check them out should you find yourself wanting to dive in Grenada! (http://www.ecodiveandtrek.com/)

Leaving Grenada was a tearful disaster. Thankfully there were no hangups at the airport, because my already shattered emotional state probably would not have handled any further complications! I managed to get all of my stuff packed up into my few suitcases, though it took me most of the night to do so (after all, this blog is riddled with posts documenting my love for packing so this should come as no surprise!). Three years tucked away in just 150lbs of suitcases (perhaps a tad bit more than that) with the less significant items now taking up residence in new homes. Saying goodbye to my friends at Eco Dive, Jackie, and Christie was ridiculously emotional for me (while they just smiled and probably wondered why the heck I have to be so weird!).

Being back in the US is a major culture shock. The cars, the people, the highways, the scenery...I could go on and on! American culture is so busy and all about the hustle and bustle of each individual. There's no such thing as simple here. Every action and thought requires a mass multitude of energy to get from one thing to the next. People aren't worrying about where their next meal comes from, or whether or not their house will hold up to the harsh elements, they're worrying about having the latest technological gadget and how they can advance themselves even further up life's ladder. It's vastly different, for sure!

My month at home went by pretty quickly. Lots of prep to do for the move and lots of sleep to catch up on! Sleep seemed like such a waste of time at the end of the semester, as my hours to soak in every last island moment were greatly numbered. Packing was...well I'm sure you're smart enough by know to know how it went! You can probably even imagine all of the complaints I had, all of the hiding under the covers I did, and all of the various procrastination methods I used! It is much, much simpler to pack up a few suitcases then it is to stuff things into boxes and bags and into cars! I miss my days of fewer belongings, and I don't really think I actually have all that much here in Raleigh.

I now live in a nice little apartment complex on the edge of Raleigh. It is the perfect size for Sampson and I, and we've managed to personalize it and make our part of the space quite homey. Sampson loves living with another dog. He unfortunately gets even less of my time and presence these days, so having a buddy to wrestle with keeps us both sane! My apartment is located just over 10 minutes from school and about 2 minutes from every store you could ever dream of living next to! It makes errands so easy! I think I am most grateful for the convenient position of PetSmart, as Penny eats hay like it might be her last meal every time!

Sampson and I have enjoyed some nice walks and hikes at the local parks here in Raleigh. We even managed to get an invitation to river tubing back several weeks ago. Sampson may not have enjoyed the water part, but I know he liked getting to spend an entire day outside with me! The weather here in Raleigh is even pretty decent. The sun is not nearly as hot, which is great in some ways and terrible in others. I essentially spend my days wrapped in sweatshirts, fleece and pants, because the indoor air condition temperatures are freezing! I am going to turn into a popsicle this winter, I am just 100% certain of it! We have skylights in our hospital hallways, and because they are frosted, they always make me think of snow (which prompts major groaning) whenever I look up. They are best used to determine day vs. night, because unless it's pouring rain against the glass, you can't actually glean any information about the weather from them!

I have also managed to find a crazy group of people here that have organized themselves into a local scuba club. A few of them have been working quite hard to convert me from a Caribbean baby to a freshwater American fish. I'm not entirely certain of their success yet. They are slowly and persistently chipping away at me though! It's very strange diving in a lake without salt. I've always been incredibly wary of bodies of freshwater with regards to bacteria and parasites, so submerging myself in what I tend to imagine is a vat of pathogens is still a little gross. It's also been a vastly different experience diving with new people I've never been underwater with before in an environment I'm completely unfamiliar with. I'm also always wearing different equipment since I'm not fortunate enough to own my own set yet, which means that all of the simple things I took for granted in Grenada (like being streamlined and comfortable) are requiring a lot more attention. Good thing lakes aren't all that great for critter hunting, otherwise I'd probably end up face planted in the mud and silt with fins floating high! Ew!! Non-divers are probably wondering how different dive equipment can possibly be, and while most of the pieces have some interesting variations to them, over all it's not too terribly difficult to figure out how to be reasonably comfortable enough underwater. The only real "new" piece of the equation being added here is the type of fins I use. I am very used to full footed fins (the kind you use to go snorkeling in nice, warm, tropical water) rather than using neoprene boots with open fins that buckle around your feet. It's so bulky and clunky feeling this way!! My feet are now super floaty, and I have to use very different parts of my legs to generate forward motion (though size might actually be more of a contributor here). I keep telling myself to like this new style of fins, because let's face it - I doubt I am going to find myself diving in warm, tropical water much in the near future! It's about finding a balance, and I'm sure that with time that will come. Until then, I will continue to laugh at how much it feels like being a beginner again since my equilibrium and center are completely non-existent! It's humbling to remember just what it can feel like to be plopped into a completely new environment with a completely new set of information and skills! Old dog, new tricks sort of deal!

And lastly, I think everyone has been waiting with baited breath to learn about clinics! After all, while the ultimate goal of veterinary school is to earn the DVM degree, the goal of every DVM student is to make it out of the classroom and into the "real" world! I admittedly don't love clinics as much as I had hoped I might. I think all of the changes in my life, stress surrounding the changes, and vast number of emotions encompassing this time in my life are probably greatly contributing to my thoughts and feelings on clinics, but I had really hoped that I would love my days a little bit more than I generally do. The caveat here is that I am currently really enjoying cardiology. Not so much because it's cardiology, but more because the learning opportunities and business factors are very well integrated into a full and challenging day that doesn't go above and beyond to steal one's soul. I enjoyed my 1st rotation (exotic animal medicine) a lot, but I was very nervous and stressed out the whole rotation about not being good enough. Healthy amounts of fear do make motivated and intelligent students though! Anesthesia did a good job sucking away my soul for a couple of weeks, and although I generally enjoy anesthesia, I struggled to find an inner peaceful balance, particularly during the 2nd week. Orthopedic surgery was a much slower pace for our particular block. I seem to do better in a higher workload environment, and so this was a little bit challenging for me at times. Overall, I learned a lot about orthopedic medicine, and I hope that I have extracted the most important bits for someone that doesn't want to be a surgeon (i.e. how to do best for my patients so that I can appropriately deliver them to the clinician that can fix their orthopedic problems - recognition and understanding are such a big part of excellent patient care!).

Right now, the best thing I can do is to find a balance between getting the most from clinics and giving the best to myself. Losing Lucy broke my heart, and in doing so, a piece of my passion went missing. Loving Sampson is a whole new piece of my heart, but doesn't fill the empty void. I never wanted or expected it to. I am hopeful that one of these days the wounds won't feel as fresh, but for now, I am simply doing the best I can with the experiences I have been given.

Time for Term 6 Final Exams...

We start our last set of final exams at SGU tomorrow morning. Yikes! The time seems to have simply slipped away from me over the last 9 months or so. Perhaps what that really means is that I've spent a lot more time on myself and my studies than I have on the internet? Lots and lots of diving done this semester, some island touring thrown in the mix, a few hashes with Sampson! I'm about to finally finish off my divemaster internship as well. Everything is beginning to really take on a note of finality these days. I'm not ready for my time here to be over (I suspect in the grand scheme of things, it's not at all over and that I will be back at some point). I'm not ready for my life to take on new and huge changes. I just finished settling into this routine after three years, now I have to move to a city?? Hmm...

Tomorrow we have our toxicology final exam, followed by food animal internal medicine, equine internal medicine, and small animal medicine. That's all that is left between me and my 4th and final year of veterinary school. Scary!! I've spent the better part of the last 9 months wondering what I actually want from my life, what I actually want to do. I'm not so sure I know the answer to that these days, although if you ask me, I will of course stick firmly by what I've been saying for years. Truthfully though, if I had the money and no student loans, I think I might be headed off in another direction...we'll see what life holds beyond graduation!

Six Months

Somehow six whole months have slipped by since I found myself in the middle of a never ending nightmare. The void in my heart still persists, the pain of the loss of such a beloved companion is ever so deep. I miss her more than I could have believed possible. It is humbling to know just how much love a person can hold for another life.

Ever cuddly and happy, Sampson has spent his limited time with me today begging for attention, bringing me toys to play with, and plopping down on top of me to get belly rubs and chin scratches. Can you say spoiled?? He was thrilled to have a couple of his stuffed toys returned to him this evening. We borrowed them with the intention of using them in a wet lab tonight - our wet lab coordinator actually had to spend quite a bit of time suturing these toys back together because Sampson has ripped off various appendages and made many holes! Good to know I can make old toys very exciting so easily!

Paw Prints Crossing the Rainbow Bridge

Another one of our beloved pets passed away today. Not Sampson, he's still a bouncy puppy bringing filthy and stinky toys onto my bed, but instead one our family dogs Lance.

Lance was a beautiful (stunning really) 3.5 year old collie that my family has had since he was just a bitty 10 week old puppy. What started out as a seemingly benign case of GI upset escalated to neurologic symptoms, an MRI, a devastating diagnosis, and an unsuccessful attempt to give him a little more time to enjoy a carefree life with his family and his sister.

Much to our shock and despair, Lance was diagnosed with multiple suspected choroid plexus tumors throughout his ventricular system in his brain on Tuesday. This had lead to a build up of fluid around his brain and spinal cord causing tissue compression and his clinical signs. We were faced with a tough decision: continue trying to treat with immunosuppressive doses of steroids or give it our all and try to fight back.

At three years old, Lance deserved a chance to fight. He deserved a chance to spend more time with his family. More time for his favorite treats. More time to go for walks and bark like a nut at the garbage truck. More time to play chase with our other family dog. More time to play keep-away with his toys. He was already going to be robbed of so many years of happiness, so he deserved to get at least some of that time back.

Unfortunately that's not what was in store for him. The procedure that absolutely should have made him feel better didn't help him. The disease process was more aggressive more quickly than what medicine could do for him. He got to spend one more night being loved unconditionally by the people who would do anything for him before meeting a peaceful end this morning.

My heart is broken. There is something about this week that must be curse. It's midterms time for terms 1-5 (term 6 doesn't have to endure that misery). Monday marked the 5 month anniversary of Lucy's death and today the 5th termers took their large animal surgery exam. The same exam that I took before my world fell to pieces. What the heck, universe?

Three year old dogs are not supposed to get horrible and extremely rare brain tumors. Six year old dogs aren't supposed to die suddenly less than a year after finding their forever homes. Life is simply not fair sometimes, and definitely not so to those who are so innocent and loving.

 

Update: We got the results of the CSF analysis submitted on Wednesday. A rare algael organism, Prototheca, was seen in the fluid. Lance did not succumb to a brain tumor but to an extremely rare cerebral form of protothecosis. I feel a little bit better knowing this. I don't think we could have made a difference for him, but we at least got a definitive answer. Unfortunately, this disease which more commonly presents as a GI disease, carriers a very poor prognosis in general. The treatment is a rather toxic drug that can do serious damage to the kidneys, and takes many months of administration. It doesn't change the end result though, and it doesn't make me wish any less that he could have had a long and full life, or at least more time with those who loved him dearly. We love you Lance, please keep Lucy good company now. I hope you get to play chase and keep away to your hearts' content!

Five Months

Is it crazy and selfish that I still miss her furry little face? I love the precious beast asleep at my feet, but the sadness and despair I still feel over Lucy's loss can be so incredibly deep.

I took my last midterm of veterinary school this morning. I couldn't help feeling rather anxious as I left this morning. I made Sampson promise he would behave as I left this morning and prayed that of all times, he would be a good little puppy in my absence. He didn't disappoint, and he was waiting at the door for me when I got home. One of these days perhaps I will stop reliving the nightmare over and over again.

Learning to Swim

Admittedly, I don't remember very much from my childhood. It's mostly a black hole replaced by facts from the last 2.5 years. Veterinary school has a way of doing that to a person's brain! Somewhere along the way when I was little, my parents did what many parents do for small children - they sign them up for swimming lessons. I don't remember this part, but I don't reckon I was much of a fan considering that I do remember just how little I cared for water that was either too deep to stand in or water I couldn't use a SCUBA mask in. I have no idea what led me to dislike water on my face so much, but it developed into a real, all consuming, paralyzing fear of getting water in my eyes.

You might remember reading about the first time I got in the pool for a SCUBA lesson. I had just finished having 5 midterm exams in a row, stayed up super late to finish watching the videos and reading the chapters, and then got up extra early to go start on our learning (after having little sleep the previous week!). The 5 of us showed up diligently to meet our new instructor, Christine, and she graciously put up with my grumpy morning attitude. I'm sure she did not think very kindly of my cross personality that day! We completed some quizzes, reviewed the book, and collected our gear. I'm pretty certain I remember complaining about how heavy everything was. And then again when we were in the water. I didn't particularly trust or care for the feeling of breathing underwater. we started with some simple skills, but the second we moved on to mask clearing skills, it was game over. I panicked and struggled through those sessions. It was absolute torture to feel so terrified of letting something so innocuous near my eyes. Not being able to see, the burning of the eyeballs reacting to the salt and chlorine. Pain combined with total blackness. I did persevere through those few skills, but I didn't enjoy them and never really felt confident or safe about my fears.

I vowed several times to at least get comfortable with letting the water touch my face, but when fear and aversion are really that strong to something, it's extremely difficult to override those feelings. Eventually I stopped spending the whole dive worrying about someone kicking my face and learned to get on with it, but even as I neared 100 dives, it was still something that made me extremely nervous. I had a couple of experiences this spring where I rolled in the water and had my mask strap either start to slide off or come completely off. None of those times actually went as far as to leaking, but it still became a little source of anxiety when I was getting in (that and getting smacked in the head with a tank from someone falling on top of you - that will make you more aware of who is where!).

When my friend and I first started talking about doing our divemaster courses last fall, I did my research. After all, I am nothing if not thorough and well prepared! I knew I was going to have to demonstrate mask off skills and swims at some point if I committed to the DM program. Over winter break, I looked even more thoroughly into what all that entailed and found (much to my dismay) that that included a partial mask flood and clear, a full mask flood and clear, a mask removal/replace and clear, a maskless swim, AND a 400m no gear swim. No gear meaning no wetsuit, no fins, no snorkel, and worst of all, no mask of any kind. Yikes. Perhaps I thought I could cheat or get away with these bits some how, because it didn't deter me. Actually, a small part of me was hoping I could just fail those skills and get on with the rest of it haha. I'm sure it was a sigh of relief on Christie's part when she mentioned all that would have to occur and my response was an impish "I know" rather than a full fledged meltdown. Like I said, I am nothing if not thorough and prepared! Doesn't mean I have to like it!

Christie has been on me lately about practicing my mask skills during dives. The only way I was ever going to start doing that though, was if someone started holding me accountable (because I certainly wasn't going to!). Unluckily for me, she was all over holding me accountable, and I began flooding my mask over and over. At first I had to remember to breathe, and then I had to remember to not hyperventilate. If we're picking sides though, the latter is more practical underwater when you need to use air to push water away from your face! I got pretty good at it (but not at liking it) over a couple of weeks time. Last Monday, Marlon took me to the pool to practice my skill circuit. Without batting an eye, he told me to get underwater and remove/replace the mask. Wait, what?? But...I've only just sort of started to get the hang of filling it! I'm not ready for that yet...Yep, not much of a choice given unfortunately! I sputtered through that bit and my feedback was that I needed to make it look easier and more enjoyable. HAH. I told him he ought to just be happy I wasn't crying! He didn't seem super impressed by that (but he never had the pleasure of witnessing a full meltdown). Much to my chagrin, he also made me do a maskless swim. Also not terribly fun and exciting. I had him take a video of that bit and another mask removal (in part so that I could show Christie that I had done it without completely losing it and in part because I wanted to see just how awful it was) - I look pretty darn miserable!!

Yesterday, I went to the pool by myself to practice some of the skills I had some difficulty with. I didn't really mean to stay as long as I did, but somehow 124 minutes elapsed before I was too cold to move and calling it quits for the day! I did some solid work on a few of my trickier skills, and figured out how to take videos so that I could critique my movements. I save my most favorite skill for last, starting at 85 minutes. I only intended to stay to 100 minutes, but I ended up getting a tad bit carried away! I started with some floods, and then moved onto removals. One of the harder parts of that for me was breathing smoothly and evenly. I started out by just sitting there for 3-5 minutes with it off, telling myself to breathe in and out. After several rounds of this, I got a little brazen. I wondered what it would be like to open my eyes underwater, after all, I had been sitting there with the water so close to them for a long time and it didn't hurt...

I have never opened my eyes in water before. Ever. I was completely unprepared for how it would look and feel (or rather, not feel!). I guess I had never taken into account that the part that hurts when you get water in your eyes, is actually the little fleshy bits of socket and not actually your eye and cornea themselves, and once that part is used to the water (as it inevitably gets when you have water touching that closely), it won't actually feel like anything to open your eyelids. I couldn't believe how blurry everything was! Fuzzy shapes and colors rather than sharp, crisp lines. I was so shocked at what I was doing, I really thought I might start crying just out of pure shock. I never imagined I could do that. I played around for a bit longer, took some pictures and made a few videos, and then took my cold, shivering, numb self out of the water and out to dry! The first person I wanted to show was Christie. She has been an amazing mentor, friend, and inspiration for nearly a year now, and since I'm ever a puppy wanting to please, I wanted to share my accomplishment with her. One step closer to becoming a divemaster. One step closer to passing pool skills. One step closer to swimming 400m blindly (because although I can confidently swim 400m, I was pretty darn certain that this swim was going to be my end and that I would either just flat out down or require some serious rescuing). one step closer to being free from a fear that has held me back for my entire life.

It all felt surreal last night. If I hadn't taken evidence on my camera, I definitely wouldn't have believed it happened. Even so, it still seemed like it must have been a dream, because I couldn't possibly be sticking my face in a pool willingly, opening my eyes, and being silly about it! No way! This morning I woke up early and headed to the dive shop to think about if I was going to be able to repeat my performance, how I was going to maybe do it, and how that would translate to being in the ocean. Pool water is one thing, salt water is a whole other burning beast! I had always felt like the only way I could add water to my mask was with a SCUBA unit on. Breathing seemed to be such a big key to all of it. I really just wanted to go and sit 5 ft under on Grand Anse and work it all out, but there wasn't any time for that this morning. Instead, I psyched myself up for a little swim. 81 degrees feels reallllllly cold at 8:30a! I really wanted to just dive right in, but anxiety held me back and I decided to just start at step one. Plunk under with a mask on and flood it. Except that flood turned into a ripping off my face! Cold, salty water rushing around my face, me reminding myself to exhale. Popping to the surface, pinching my nose, and doing it again. And again! Later today I jumped off the boat into the water for the first time ever. I've been really envious of all who can do that without worry for some time now, and it was on the short list of things to do if I could ever get a hold of myself. I've never jumped into water before, at least not into water where I knew I could catch myself and stand in time. I was really nervous but excited, so one of the other divers grabbed my hand and said "let's do it"! A loud squeal and a big splash later, in I went! I repeated this later by myself too, opened my eyes in the ocean briefly a few times, and jumped into the deep end of a pool twice. Crazy!!!

On April 5, 2013, I wrote the following excerpt in my blog:
"The last thing I have to say is just a tad more about the mask removal. My instructor kept asking me if I was really proud, but that felt like a strange thing and I just kind of shrugged because, no, proud wasn't really the emotion I feel about the whole ordeal. Yes I did manage to complete all of the mask skills and no I didn't like them, but it's more than that. I don't really feel like I've "mastered" a skill and thus there is no pride associated with it. Am I proud I completed the course? Absolutely, but I am not really proud that I managed to rip the mask off my face and replace it without killing myself. The thing is, if I had to do it again tomorrow, I would have the same feelings about it and would react the same way. That's not really mastery, and this is kind of an important thing to do. Panicking underwater is bad no matter what the circumstance is. I don't want to drown, but I definitely worry that if I knocked the mask around or off on a dive that I might do something very foolish. It's a skill I need to work on, more important than most of the other things we learned in my opinion (or at least for me). I will be proud the day that I can take it off underwater without becoming completely overwhelmed with panic. I don't have to like it - because let's face it, I doubt I ever will, but I definitely want to be a bit more comfortable with it. "
Nearly a year later, I can finally say I'm proud. Never did I imagine that I would feel this way. I feel so free, so liberated from a fear that has held me hostage for 24 years. I am not going to drown, I am not going to flee to the surface like an idiot, I am not going to do something very foolish. If my mask fell off, I would certainly be very surprised and startled, but I wouldn't be an immediate danger to myself. I am free to enjoy the ocean and pools, and lakes without that little nagging voice in the back of my head. I am free to enjoy water without feeling so afraid. I have master such a simple, yet life changing skill. Everything feels new and different, changed for the better. Today I can take my mask off and stare at you underwater. I can do it without panic, and I can do it with a smile on my face. It's not that I suddenly love have water in my eyes (because I don't, and I really don't like how distorted my vision is!), it's that I feel unburdened by an anxiety that has held me captive all of my life. I am seeing the world in a way that most people experience as young children. Maybe a future in the water really can exist for me. Just maybe, and all because one instructor with a trustworthy face and attitude decided not to give up on a stubborn and silly student. Thank you Christine, from the bottom of my heart, for introducing me to many new worlds. You introduced me not only to the world of reefs and conservation, but also to a completely foreign and pleasant concept of water. My life is now forever changed because you put up with my grouchiness at the beginning, pushed me to work through my fears, and supported me every single moment along the way. Today, I finally feel proud.:)
 http://www.ecodiveandtrek.com/
Dives One and Two 
Dives Three and Four 

100

It's been just under a year now since I started diving. I definitely wasn't thrilled at first, but I'm glad I stuck with it and finished my open water certification, because my interest started to raise from there. This morning I completed my 100th dive! Definitely an achievement worth celebrating! To date, I've completed the open water, advanced open water, rescue, and enriched air courses, and am currently working on the deep and wreck courses along with my divemaster certification. All of this on top of being a full time student, club president, and doggy mom! I'm pretty busy as you can imagine, but I wouldn't have it any other way! I am so incredibly lucky and blessed to have all of the wonderful and amazing opportunities and I have made a lot of friends and received a lot of incredible mentorship in the last 11 months! http://www.ecodiveandtrek.com/

Four Months

Posted by a classmate, ironically on the four month mark today. 

"I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said " it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me."

Author ~ unknown

Beginning My Divemaster Certification

Back last semester, one of my diving med school friends and I made a pact to work on and complete our divemaster certifications together. We both love to dive, and we both want to take diving to the next level. She is much more of an extrovert than I am so personality-wise it took me a little bit longer to come to this conclusion, but I am excited never the less!

We picked up our crewpacks last week and I am already through 4 of the 9 chapters in the course book. I still have another 150 pages left to read and A LOT of work ahead of me, but I am making a good start! It's still a bit of a foreign concept to me, but I am trying my best to imitate all of the divemaster "behaviors" that my many mentors have. Perhaps one of these days I won't look quite so clumsy (both symbolically and literally - I seem to be getting clumsier each time I get on that boat rather than the other way around...).

I won't give away any of the juicy details of the course just yet since I haven't really started, but I think you will be highly amused to learn that one of the skills that has to become second nature happens to be the mask clear/removal skill and doing a 400m swim without anything. Yeah...not so sure how that's going to work out. This time around I don't really have a choice, but I failed pretty miserably at working on getting over this phobia back in April and then again in September. Hmm. Step one happens to be remembering to breathe when I touch my mask/starting thinking about putting water on my face. Why can't I just live happily ever after with a nice plate of glass between my eyes and the water?? I don't think my instructor/mentor really realizes how truly deep seeded this fear is. I have chills and an increased respiratory rate just sitting here thinking about it! Oy!

Seahorses!!!

I may or may not have ever mentioned my slight obsession with seahorses before. It's been a goal of mine to see one while diving here for quite a long time now. They are on the rarer side when it comes to critters, but they're not so rare that they are hardly ever seen here. My problem is that I'm usually just not on the boat. Darn school getting in the way of my seahorses!

This January, just days after I had returned to the island, I had the pleasure of not only seeing my first seahorse, but finding him myself!!! There was lots of squealing and dancing going on underwater. I was very excited - and I also got to put my new rattle to good use to call back the rest of the group because you had better believe I wasn't leaving my new friend behind! I was meandering along contemplating how it was possible that I could be cold in the Caribbean in a 7mm wetsuit, when BAM!! My eyes alerted me to something of interest. It took me a good minute to confirm and believe what I was seeing, because I was definitely in a bit of shock! Next up was picture taking - had to have photographic proof of my finding! As it turns out, a seahorse has never been spotted in that location! I was so very pleased with my find, they are just beautiful and amazing creatures!

There also happens to be a pair of seahorses at one of the local wrecks currently. The male is massively pregnant, and they have been seen hanging out together and apart on the corals next to the wreck. I have seen them twice at night and five times during the day. It never gets old, it never gets less special! I could sit there and bask in their presence forever. I've sort of taken to doing that more or less when we end up at that site. Much to our amusement, we are apparently the only dive shop that knows their actual location so they've had customers from other shops come by and do a dive just to go see them! I am pleased to know my little friends are helping out my bigger friends!

I am going to be a very sad individual the day that I go back and they are gone because they have moved on, but until then, I shall take every dive I can get to go and visit them! They are so graceful and gentle in all their movements. They hold onto the corals with their tails and sway with the current or duck their heads to hide out of the way. Who wouldn't love such an amazing animal?! Yes, I am well aware that 8 seahorse visits in 3 weeks/<30 dives probably qualifies me as majorly obsessed, but hey, it certainly could be worse, right?

Back to School...Three Weeks Ago!

Eeek! It has been such a long time since I posted! Oopsies! Time is absolutely flying by these days at school. It's wonderful and awful all at the same time. On one hand, I'm tired of school and studying and all that jazz, but yet I am going to really miss this gorgeous country and all the SCUBA diving here! I simply don't know what I'm going to do with myself come May!

I came back nearly a week early to enjoy Grenada and ended up spending it all either diving or taking care of new student commitments for SVECCS and VCA. Not a bad way to spend your winter break! The spring temperatures and humidity levels are amazing. It is just gorgeous outside (unless it's rained in the last five minutes, and then the humidity is absurdly oppressive). At night it's almost chilly out with the sun gone and the gentle breeze blowing, I love it! Sampson is adjusting well to the climate too. He get's hot if he goes out to run, but other than that he's enjoying his days as a Caribbean dog. He enjoys going for walks on the beach but he HATES the water. He is completely terrified of it. It's pretty funny!

School is back in full swing and often busier than ever! My life is currently full of morning classes, afternoon rotations, and evening meetings. We only have 4 "real" classes this term, but unfortunately the scheduling people weren't feeling terribly kind when they made it so we have a lot of 2-3 hour blocks of the same class. Shoot me. We're also stuck in this awful, tiny little classroom due to some administrative disagreements and errors. I could go on and on forever about how I feel about this, but I will spare you. Just know that I don't think it's a coincidence that I had a migraine on Friday for the first time in over a year since I moved from a poorly managed climate to a more regular and clean environment (my dorm was full of mold due to AC issues whereas my apartment is not - they used to keep our old classroom at -10F at all times so no mold grew in that whereas this new classroom has a long history of being poorly controlled climate and insect-wise).

We are about to start week three of our clinical rotations. I started with ER medicine during week 2 and moved into clinical pathology last week. Next up is pathology, which happens to probably be my least favorite subject in veterinary school. Right behind large animal surgery and theriogenology of course. Some rotations are more time demanding than others. Right now we have a lot of little assignments, quizzes, and presentations to do for these classes. Not very exciting if you ask me. My two ER shifts were pretty busy but nothing we couldn't manage. Clinical pathology was a nice change of pace last week and I enjoy dealing with blood work and clinical samples. I have no enthusiasm for being in the necropsy suite coming up. Ew. The other clinical rotations I have yet to complete include ambulatory medicine (where we go out to various Grenada farms and provide preventative health care to people's farm animals), small animal medicine, and small animal surgery and anesthesia. These three will all be on the more time consuming side of life as they all have a reputation for going late in the afternoon and carry fun presentation assignments.

I have of course been doing lots of diving so far this term. So far I've logged more than 20 dives since arriving back (I'm almost at 100 dives total!) and have been diligently working on a wreck specialty class and a deep specialty class. I also very recently started my divemaster certification, but more on that later. The diving weather has been lovely and I have enjoyed seeing some new critters this year! Very, very exciting! Of course as always still diving with my dear friends at Eco Dive and Trek (http://www.ecodiveandtrek.com/).

I promise to get back into blogging more regularly - I just needed to start back up again!

3 Months