A Few Days Later

A few days have passed so far and I'm finally starting to really run out of tears. I'm sort of grateful for this because tears and gunk to really help to improve anything. I'm just left with a constant dull ache that is sometimes sharper than others as I cope with the loss.

I couldn't part with the last of my Lucy hairs on Friday for housekeeping but it really appears that most of the hair on the floor is mine. I am suspicious - there is no way I shed more than my dog, right? Where are all those hairs hiding! Answer - the bed, under the bed, under the desk, etc, but it's still kind of funny. I've done a little bit of rearranging and putting things away. It's not so much that her toys and things are a tangible reminder I can't handle (because the voids they leave behind in space are equally as loud and painful), I just...I don't know. They're hers and she's not here for them anymore.

The single hardest thing for me to face right now is coming home. Having to come back to an empty apartment is like having a 100lb rock dropped on me, and it starts long before I actually get home. The dread, agony, and despair of coming home to something so empty and soul-less is wrenching. It's followed pretty closely by several other things like waking up in the morning, the 5 o'clock dinner routine, going to bed, being pawed at while studying, doing laundry, potty breaks, heck even opening the bedroom door was a thing for Lucy (I suspect she really found my room boring and annoying to be stuck in because she'd go lay just outside it if I left it open while studying - a dog can only have but so many comfy spots in one room, right?). I guess it's all just really hard - but having to come home is the worst.

I spent the weekend diving. It was both a way to get out of the house, do something I normally enjoy, and get some self time while being in the proximity of friends. No one really knows what to do with someone so heart broken (myself included, fair enough). I logged 5 dives this weekend and did a lot of crying under water. It's an oddly comforting sensation. You're practically weightless as you drift along and you don't have to do anything other than breathe. Hard to explain. Either way, Friday afternoon dive - 90% tears, Saturday morning dive - 90% tears, Saturday late morning dive - 70% tears, Saturday afternoon dive - 40% tears, this morning - no tears. It's a bit of a relief, even though it doesn't mean any of the sadness and pain is lessened. Plenty of cake between yesterday evening and today as well. My friends are too sweet. :)