From Paw Prints to Ashes

Today was almost a completely good day. I woke up feeling better than I have in over a week and generally felt pretty up beat about the day itself.

On Thursday morning, my friend and I went to investigate the process of pet cremation here. It's a pretty uncommon request (cultural thing) and rather expensive. Another student passed along the name of a funeral home that did pet cremations so we drove through town to go and talk to them. It turned out to be pretty cut and dry - yes they did them, they were free to do it whenever we brought the dog, it would be done the next day, etc. After that brief speech, the guy offered to show us the facilities. I was inclined to say no, but my friend was interested so I went along with it. Just what I really wanted, to see the oven you are going to burn my beloved pet to a crisp in.

I wasn't really expecting to have Lucy cremated that day, but they told us they'd be free the whole day and we should just bring her by whenever. Yes, that's right, we brought her frozen body to the crematorium. It's about a 20 minute drive each way so we went over to the clinic, picked up her body, and brought her back. As it turns out, seeing the cremation facilities was inevitable because they had us drop her off right in front creamator to load in. They even offered to let me press the button to start the process. I politely declined - not really interested in starting the process of turning my once beloved baby into ashes, but thanks anyway.

Yesterday morning we went back to pay and pick up her ashes. The whole process cost $800 EC (a bit pricy). It's hard to believe that all that is left of my gorgeous dog is a small storage container about 4"x2"x2" filled with ash. It's almost unreal.

I almost feel a little bit in denial these days about her passing. I find myself about to say something about her and then catch myself and remember she's not here anymore. I find myself staring at the corner of my bed and feeling a bit surprised she's not sleeping there. I miss her dearly. My beautiful Lucy. I'm just waiting to wake up from this horrible nightmare and yet each day passes and that doesn't happen. I just want to cuddle her close to me. Take her for a walk. Play with her at the beach. Throw a squeaky ball. Something. And yet, there's just nothing but emptiness here.

My friends and classmates here can imagine just how impossibly painful this all is. All I see now though are pictures and statuses about everyone's pets. They're such a big part of our lives. If you're having trouble understanding my heavy grief over a dog, I can just say that for a vet student, the loss of a pet is like the loss of a child. Suddenly you become acutely aware that all your friends are living happy lives with their pets and you're not. Today alone I was treated to 23 posts and pictures of everyone's pets. It's like that every day, I just never noticed it before. I miss her so terribly much and I know that it's really hard to understand for a lot of people.

These are a some beautiful gifts I have received from friends in honor of Lucy.