Doubts

If you choose to go to veterinary school, you will have days were you doubt everything. You will wonder if you are doing the right thing, putting yourself in so much debt, studying for long hours, and turning your eyeballs and brain into mush. You will wonder if this is really the career you want, if you actually truly want to be a veterinarian every single day for the rest of your life. You will question your intelligence, and doubt your abilities to make good judgements on behalf of your patients. You will wonder about the terrible mistakes you make in the future that will cause a patient harm. You will see nothing but dark tunnel on some days, and you will want to curl up under the blankets, close your eyes, and want to never come out and face the world. (The good news is that there are lots of days where you will feel energized, enlightened, and in love with what you're doing. You may not love vet school because not everyone does, but you will do and learn things that you love. Those are the days that help you get through the rough patches.)

For students that choose to go to foreign schools, there is an added burden of being in a new country. Whether it is somewhere like the UK or Ireland, Grenada or St. Kitts, you will have extra things to over come.

Let me start by saying that I love Grenada. I love going to school here. I really wouldn't want to be anywhere else, because I absolutely love waking up to beautiful, sunny Grenada skies every day. And the following stuff I'm going to say are my personal views and opinions. One person. So please keep that in mind.

I have two roommates and we currently live on campus. One is a good friend from Virginia Tech and is a semester behind me, the other is a classmate who I have been friends with since we started classes. I'll call them T2 and T3 from here on out.

At the beginning of the term, T2 announced her intentions to seriously pursue off campus housing with another classmate for the upcoming spring term. She was tired of having little space to herself and really just wanted something to come home to at the end of the day to call "home." I was disappointed that we were going to be splitting ways for the upcoming term, but fine with out personal opinions. A lot of students prefer not to live on campus. The housing is small, expensive, and there are other little things that people don't care for. I on the other hand, enjoy living on campus. It is very convenient for classes, it is quiet and well kept, it is pretty darn safe, and I like having a small living space. I definitely wasn't considering moving off campus until at least my 3rd year just to maintain continuity.

Unfortunately, I don't get that choice. A lot of students have found themselves in the same boat now, as the housing lottery came back negative for many people. Boo, no more living on campus, and same for T3 (who was also perfectly content to live here forever basically). I am not a fan of change. I do not adapt well. Force it on me and I will panic and rebel. That is how I deal with change. So being forced to move off campus is a MAJOR deal to me. I am a young, caucasian female who spent childhood growing up in quiet, sheltered suburbia, and then moved to practically the safest town in the US for college (Blacksburg, VA). Living in Grenada is a vast difference for me, and it's probably safer here crime-wise than living in a major city!

However, the events that took place during my first ever two weeks in Grenada robbed me of the ability to feel totally safe and secure. Some times I feel complacent and comfortable, but I have never truly felt safe. I feel like a walking target. I feel like the words helpless and weak are stamped across my forehead, and I am just generally untrusting. This makes me more alert and aware (which is a good thing), but it leaves me with a general feeling of fear and anxiety when I stop to think about it.

T3 and I are currently facing the dilemma of finding an apartment. We are both terrified. We have no experience with this, we are naive, and we are both young and white and generally look vulnerable. The ideal apartment for us would be right next to campus, fortress protected, pet friendly, and like a lavish palace (okay, just a modest little 2 bedroom apartment will work just fine!). While I would be scared out of my mind to have to drive here, I think I could do it and be just fine. T3 does not feel this way, and therefore we will be stuck relying on the bus system (because I cannot afford to have a car on my own). I DO NOT want to live alone. I will not rent a studio apartment unless I am absolutely forced to. I have made my opinion very clear, but T3 really likes looking at studios despite not wanting to split up and wanting to live together. ?? Huh, not so sure there! So that part is stressful.

It is stressful thinking about relying on the not-so-reliable SGU bus system (although it has improved in my 3 terms). It is stressful to worry about finding a place that is safe and located in a safe area, especially when you have no idea where to start. I am for sure getting a dog to live with me and be my ears when I'm being oblivious, so I at least can cross that off my list. However, a dog will be an extra time and financial stress, and bring an animal to the island will be a challenge as well. One day at a time! I am stressed because the only people who seem to think this is a big scary deal are my parents, T3, and myself. I'm not getting the sympathetic support of my friends who seem to think I am being silly. Am I being silly? Okay probably a little. But the reality is, burglaries do happen here. People have been mugged at knife point in the middle of the day. People have had knives pulled on them in totally innocent situations, and occasionally someone breaks into your house while you're in it. Does this happen to everyone? Probably not. But any one of those things would be a BIG deal to me!

This is all really just an incoherent rant to say that I'm scared. I'm really scared. I feel really vulnerable at the moment. I feel really helpless, and I'm scared to become a victim. There are things that you have to over come in life, and there are times when you will doubt whatever it is that you're doing. This is one of them for me. It's all just been a week of what the heck was I thinking when I decided to come to another country for vet school, and what the heck am I doing?!